Pregnant and alone

When I found out I was pregnant at 33 years old I screamed. After seeing those words show up on that tiny little screen I ran through the house and immediately poured out every bottle of wine I owned in a guilt filled rage for my binge drinking.  After two more pee tests I accepted that my life would change forever and I prayed to God my actions in ignorance hadn’t hurt the tiny blossoming fetus.  What soon sank in is “how do i tell my husband?”  The sweet jovial naive side of me thought of all these cute things to do, imagined how excited he would be but the real me knew better.  The real me knew he would be upset, scratch that – pissed at the idea of having another mouth to feed as he finishes putting his son through college.  I wanted to believe the joy but I knew truth.

Things went how I expected.  He blamed me (granted I wasn’t always on the dot with my pill) he showed no bit of excitement.  He just said “Well at least we’re married” as if we hadn’t been together for 7 years prior to this.

Immediately he focused on costs.  He began searching for something that paid more than his $70k sales gig.  He became obsessed with “not getting fat with me” and lost 10 lbs in almost a week.  The focus became so narrow that its almost as if he forgot I was pregnant and dealing with a slew of emotions and new feelings.  We argued on the way to the doctor because he’d made us late and was tired of me talking about it. I wished I weren’t at that moment.  He was nice in the days to come after the Dr visit but some things don’t change.  The temper and the mood swings that were expected to come from me, came from him.  When my food aversions kicked in and I didn’t want the food we had he took it personally as if I were choosing to all of a sudden gag at the thought of food I once loved.

What is expected to be the happiest time of my life, a miracle of God…is spent tiptoeing around his feelings and lack of interest in how the baby is actually doing. I bought him a parenting book and it is collecting dust.  I mentioned the growth track (specifically the placenta was forming) and he ranted about how he doesn’t know what this is and can’t continue a conversation about something he doesn’t know about.  Its almost as if his lack of want of this beautiful little soul is so strong he cannot hide it.

Honestly, I expected a better experience with child. Maybe I’ve watched too many movies.   All I can do now is find my happy place to make sure I do everything I can to help baby survive his/her journey into this Earth.  That’s my motherly instinct kicking in I guess.  Protecting them from my sadness, my lack, my yearning.  I want them to know only love within my womb.  God bless you little baby and God speed.

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